Ask the Urban Dater: Can’t Get a Guy to Ask Me Out Edition

Ask the Urban Dater: Can’t Get a Guy to Ask Me Out Edition

Just one detail at the wrong angle and it all becomes farce. One dismisses the spectacle for an accident of light. I was recently confronted by an old lover of this sort, someone whom I truly wanted to forgive. Our issues had revolved around a basic (and well deserved) lack of trust, compounded by dozens of circumstantial issues. In the absence of such circumstantial issues, I thought it might be possible to grow and reach a new understanding of each other. I decided to entertain his apology, promises of change and declarations of love. Our attempts to understand each other quickly devolved into a toxic state of antagonistic stasis. We pushed and pulled only to sustain a pregnant storm that strangled itself using its own vacuous inertia. During these discussions, I realized that there are perhaps two types of paralysis: one that remains obviously inert and one that sways wildly, falsely suggesting movement while remaining impotent. I struggled, wondering, as Nin had, if this was a love that would kill or save me. My interlocutor could speak elegantly, could discourse on the many lessons learned, but consistently failed to provide any evidence of resolution.

As I tried to sort through the incongruity of his words and actions which left me regarding an impenetrable and ambiguous nebula, I experienced an entire spectrum of reactions, ranging from radical acceptance to utter disgust.stripchat afroditaa: We wrapped ourselves in passionate analysis, only to pull ourselves deeper into our own vain chaos, halting before the abyss that would save us. Each time I pried, opened and untangled us from the brambles, he refilled it with red herrings, diversions, evasions. For us, it seemed, there was no reckoning. Our irresolvable conflicts were desolately attracted to each other. Our spirits could flail at the impasse with such great vigor, but without some basic level of trust, no genuine movement could save us from this cycle. The requisite strength for me to discontinue this correspondence was perhaps greater than it should have been. Truly, I should have been stronger and more wary. I will be extremely romantic. I want to believe in the goodness of others. But ultimately, these aspects of my personality, which I otherwise consider strengths, left me excessively vulnerable in this specific situation. It is a strange thing, to mourn for an aborted possibility. It seems so easy to continue toiling for what might be a glorious, beautiful vision of love when its death isn’t a fact or event, but a resolution. To accept its loss with such intense sadness while celebrating the joy and strength it proved of you. To seek new things to love. To seek wealth, abundance, trust, and devotion in love rather than systematic suffering.

In this heartache, I am left to re-assert how I believe in love, how I believe in others, and how I believe in myself in order to propel myself away from toxicity. The re-appearing act of an old lover isn’t necessarily a sign of weakness, because there are, to be sure, instances when something good can be redeemed. But in any case, it is a time of questioning, examining and declaring what one truly finds important and meaningful in one’s life. Photo Credit: “The Nightmare” by Henry Fuseli Signup for Our Newsletter Get Us in Your Inbox! Online Dating, Sex, and Relationship Advice Tips in Your Inbox… Follow @theurbandater Like this:Like Loading… Share This Article Facebook16Tweet0Pin0 Posted in: Dating & Relationships, Relationships, Self Tagged in: love, pregnancy issues Maybe you’ve been in this boat before, it’s quite large after all.  You’ve been in a relationship with someone for maybe six months, perhaps a year or longer and you know; you just know that marriage isn’t a possibility.  You’re effectively in a relationship that’s passed its expiration date, much like a carton of milk, or Allen Iverson’s basketball career. It should be over and done, yet you continue to languish in a relationship that’s not much different than the walking dead.  What to do? How about the passive aggressive guide to ending a relationship?  This simple guide is for YOU, the person who can’t be troubled by confrontation, the person that runs at the mere mention of “Look, we need to ta–”  If that sounds like you, read on.  If not, then just leave an angry comment at the bottom, there, please. Don’t return phone calls or text messages – Nothing says “ I don’t like you! Go away!!!” like not calling someone back. an ex girlfriend of mine once said to a mutual friend: “That guy is such a douche bag! You’d figure he’d man up and call me to end things properly.”  Well, dear, you figured wrong, didn’tcha?

EXIT only – No Admittance, No Anal

Immediately begin dating someone new – Have you had that nagging ex that just won’t leave you alone? Do you still share exactly the same social circles? Bring your new significant other into the mix! Nothing will have your ex running the other direction and exasperated quite like seeing you make out with your new beau.  Try sprinkling in some extra baby talk for good measure! Withold Sex – This nifty tip comes from the good people at Date Daily. When you want to end things and don’t want to discuss, stop having sex with your partner.  They will begin to feel undesirable and probably stir up lot of insecurity. Start hitting on people in front of your partner – This is something that will likely get you kicked in the privates and dragged to the floor.  Even “innocent” flirting has this effect.  I will remember when I had this one girlfriend and she confessed that she was furious at me when having dinner one night. She said that I was totally hitting on the waitress.  Now, my ex was never the jealous type, she was very secure with herself. That’s why I was shocked, because she genuinely took my behavior for “hitting on the help.” I just knew the gal, I still don’t think I was even flirting, let alone hitting on.

I did learn never to underestimate the power of flirting or hitting on someone in front of your significant other. Talk over your partner and generally be disrespectful – Embarrassing your partner in front of your friends and making them feel dumb enough times will surely cause your significant other to break up with you eventually.  Discounting their opinions as complete rubbish helps, too.  Talking over them in conversations is another way to get them fired up and pissed at you.  Only buying food and drinks for yourself is also another good way to go and being a total douche.  Forgetting about plans and no-showing goes well with this plan of attack, too. I don’t know about you, but I believe that this is how Bizarro Superman dealt with Lois Lane on Bizarro World, or wherever that blocky headed fool was from.  Crazy.  I’m pretty sure that this doesn’t translate into our shared reality and probably not a good idea to do to anyone you care about. Until next time, don’t go breaking too many hearts out there. Signup for Our Newsletter Get Us in Your Inbox! Online Dating, Sex, and Relationship Advice Tips in Your Inbox… Follow @theurbandater Like this:Like Loading… Share This Article Facebook1Tweet0Pin0 Posted in: Dating & Relationships Tagged in: bad breakup, Dating, jerk behavior We’ve been doing the Urban Dater, Taylor and I, since 2008 and it’s been a good run and one we intend to keep going. Writing content is sometimes difficult. Sometimes there’s not enough hours in the day, sometimes we get tired of telling you how we’re heart broken or how we are in love with so and so.

you receive it. Right? That said, not a lot of people know that we do accept Guest Posts here, at the Urban Dater. Yep, it’s totally true! Now you might be wondering what some of the benefits would be to write an article for the Urban Dater and we want to help you identify said value. Why Write for the Urban Dater? Taylor and I are super cool and we give free hugs! You get to help contribute to the awesome that is the Urban Dater, which some people might see as a cool thing. Our moms do anyway. Our monthly readership is relatively small at about 30k to 50k+ unique visitors per month. However, for newer bloggers in the dating and relationship space it’s a great opportunity to gain exposure and broaden your audience. The more regularly you write for us, more visits you attract to your own site. Your article gets blasted to our social networks which also have a solid following, yet another way to expand your audience. We want to help you. Taylor and I enjoy helping people because when we got started in this madness of blogging there were many other bloggers who helped us and continue to help us as we continue to grow. The Urban Dater is like that significant other that’s always willing to give you oral.

In other words, we’re givers over here. How Do I Submit My Article? That’s super easy! Go to our Guest Post page, review our requirements (our list of non-negotiables) and then fill out the form on the page. After we receive your submission we’ll review it to ensure proper grammar, clarity and also to make sure it’s not spammy. If there’s something that needs to be revised, we’ll let you know within a few days usually. Otherwise, we’ll post your article within a week (typically less than that). Signup for Our Newsletter Get Us in Your Inbox! Online Dating, Sex, and Relationship Advice Tips in Your Inbox… Follow @theurbandater Like this:Like Loading… Share This Article Facebook1Tweet0Pin0 Posted in: Asides Bringing a girl back to your place may seem like the most exciting thing in the world- until she sees what it looks like. The stench of manliness and stacks of pizza boxes could be something to be proud of when your bros come over, but if you wish to impress a lady, you’re going to have to do some cleaning up.Besides practicing good hygiene and maybe cleaning the bathroom every so often, there is plenty you can do to keep your place looking mighty masculine and mighty appealing to the fairer sex.

How to Talk to Attractive Strangers

When in doubt, opt for sleek lines and neutral colors. You don’t need the poofy comforter and neon decor that hurts if you look at too long.

simpleness is definitely your friend. That being said, don’t be afraid to showcase a little personality, too. You can learn lot about a person by their place, and you can be sure that your girl will be trying to find out as much as possible. Hang some album covers from your favorite designers on the walls, put up some photos of your family or your buddies (no ex-girlfriends!), or leave your guitar/sports equipment/massive DVD collection where anyone who comes in can see it. When you’re living alone, you can forgo the fashionable furniture in favor of comfort. Go ahead and opt for the La-Z-Boy over a stylish leather couch that is super uncomfortable. Be the man you want to be in your own place. Do you think of yourself as a manly man? Go ahead and cover your hardwood floor with a bearskin rug. Sophisticated businessman? Sleek decor in mostly black and a nice desk will help to communicate who you are.

Be ready to entertain by keeping your kitchen stocked and dishes clean. Love showing off your bartending skills? Set up a bar in your kitchen so that you’re ready to serve your friends or romantic interest any time. But don’t forget to have some food in the fridge, too. a well-stocked kitchen shows that you’ve got a little bit of responsibility to go with all that testosterone. Above all, make your apartment about you. It’s much more important so that you can be comfortable at your place than anyone else, and if you decorate just to impress the ladies, they will be able to see right through it. Signup for Our Newsletter Get Us in Your Inbox! Online Dating, Sex, and Relationship Advice Tips in Your Inbox… Follow @theurbandater Like this:Like Loading…

Share This Article Facebook0Tweet0Pin0 Posted in: Online Dating Just the other day I was with my aunt and uncle touring the Getty Villa, famous for the Greek and Roman antiquities that line the walls and courtyards of the famous entertainment of the Villa of the Papyri at Herculaneum, conceived and built by J. Paul Getty, world famous oil tycoon in Pacific Palisades, California. I sat down at a bench as the tour guide paced in front of me and explained the minute details of the Villa’s architectural significances. The fragrance of strong pine wafted into my nose and I turned around to identify the plant that gave off the distinct and strong smell. It was the bush behind me. I picked a branch and rubbed the sap from the stem into my wrists and onto my neck – perfume on the fly! The tour progressed and I chose another bench, in another courtyard adjacent to the previous one, away from the crowd to scope out the scenery as I listened to the elderly tour guide continue via the earpiece secured in my ear. A beautiful young man strolled toward me. It didn’t register that he was actually approaching me, rather than the scenery, until he was arms length away. He lifted his hand, which was clenched into a fist. With a questionable look I raised my palm to satisfy his fist and accepted the gift offered by the handsome stranger. I looked into my palm and saw a branch of my perfumed plant. An involuntary smile lifted my cheeks which began to flush in response to the thoughtful attention I realized he had obviously paid to me during the entire tour. You can bet I gave him my phone number after the tour was over. Veronica Reynolds (Vlectronica) is the Community Manager for online dating blog on, the world’s largest live introductions platform where people meet live in chat sessions via webcam around any shared interest for fun, to hook up, or for pure entertainment. Veronica loves social media and is online a lot; feel free to contact her on Twitter with questions or thoughts. Signup for Our Newsletter Get Us in Your Inbox!

Online Dating, Sex, and Relationship Advice Tips in Your Inbox… Follow @theurbandater Like this:Like Loading… Share This Article Facebook1Tweet0Pin0 Posted in: Dates & Details, Dating & Relationships, Tips & Advice Tagged in: how to date via Quickmeme I don’t know when it happened. Does anybody? Maybe. Maybe I’m just not as self-aware as I pride myself on being. Needless to say, I am an asshole. And it’s not news. I mean, shit, I’ve jokingly and seriously called myself an asshole for years now. YEARS.

I can even envision a loop of each time I called myself an asshole or when I was called an asshole by someone else… But I never really believed that I actually was. Not until now. I used to be a ‘sweet’ guy. Sweet guys were passed over and given high fives by the pretty gals and often overlooked. That’s what I thought anyway; at the very least, it’s how I felt. Assholes didn’t get ‘stepped’ on by other people; assholes stood up for themselves and took less shit from people than Chuck Norris toilet paper. I looked it up! I can’t even remember why or how I got here, to this state of being the asshole that I am today. Sure, I’ve been screwed over and hurt. But who hasn’t?

And some much more so than I have. People with real reasons to have a shitty attitude day in and day out. Life is hard… It’s harder for some than for others; but because it’s hard to see beyond the end of our noses we forget that some people play life on Extra-Silly-Super-Fucking-Hard plus they don’t even have a choice. Those are the cards they’re deal and play them they must. It’s not deep, it’s not unfair, it’s just life. That’s it. However, how many people do you know that have all sorts of shit happen to them plus they ‘choose’ to not let it bring them down? I know more than a few people like that. I’m not one of em… Is it about the shitty things that happen to a person? Is it about all the times one gets short changed in life? Does it matter if your parents were absent or unsupportive? No. It’s about what one does after all of the shittyness has happened. The cliche that goes on about how it’s not important about the 10 times you receive knocked down, but the 11th time you get back up. Sure, I didn’t bother to look up the actual quote. I didn’t feel like it.

I’m an asshole, remember? So how does this translate to the Urban Dater? As I’ve written a few other times, my dating life is been bad. Read: Terri-bad. I’ve already recounted the horrors on most of them, so I’m not doing it again. My approach, this time around to dating, has revolved around desperate pissed-offedness… I know that’s not a real word, so shut it. Honestly, I’m still Facebook friends with the Ex. She’s seeing someone. I’ve known this would happen. Logically I know it shouldn’t matter, yet it does. And I think this has fucked with me more than I wanted to admit. Yes, I AM, over her. Truly. However, my approach to dating and meeting women has been for the wrong reasons. I’m just looking for nice looking women, not to be with, but to either bring around friends or just to fuck… Boom.

There it is. a small moment of truth from this asshole. No, I expect no sympathy here. I’m not asking for it. I’d like you to tell me what a fuck head I am, though. Could you do me that kindness? Would you, really? Life would be easy if we could get bitch slapped whenever we commit a wrong, or do something douchey. But that’s not how it works. You take your lumps, apologize where you can, learn and move on. In my case, because the women I went out with I won’t be seeing or hearing from again, there won’t be a stream of “sorry that I sucked” messages. Instead, I need to learn. I told you I’m taking a break, right? Well, that’s what I need to do.

Take a break, think, learn and see where things are at. Because it’s no more a running joke that I’m an asshole. No, I actually am… Signup for Our Newsletter Get Us in Your Inbox! Online Dating, Sex, and Relationship Advice Tips in Your Inbox… Follow @theurbandater Like this:Like Loading… Share This Article Facebook7Tweet0Pin0 Posted in: Self One of my favorite movies of all time is a movie called ‘Alfie,’ it is about a single man who lives in the moment, not concerning himself an excessive amount of with all the ambition of being richest stiff in the cemetery but instead chooses to live his life true to his passion … women. In the movie, he takes us through his day to day life and soon you begin to realise, it revolves around constantly sleeping with hot and attractive women. He has his flaws but when it comes to women he is one smooth mother fucker who can get any girl to turn into mush for him. As men we are taught lot of useful things in our lives from calculus to the history of Ancient Egypt. One thing that most men seem to lack an education on however, is how to go about meeting and attracting new women into their lives. It is a gap in our knowledge that until recent days has rarely been acknowledged. Men who are often lacking in their dating life are usually too scared to approach or meet women, paralysed by the fear of getting rejected. Every man has experienced this in his lifetime. Whilst some men do work up the courage to take action and as a result get rejected, it can destroy a man’s self-esteem. I am sure lot of men who want to improve on this area of their lives and are actively learning more about dating, fantasize about being a guy like Alfie, who just walks into the bar and turns every woman’s head. Who is able to walk up to any woman and have the power to make her melt in his hand with just a few charismatic gestures and lines. I know I had that fantasy when I first started actively working on improving my dating life 6 years ago and knew nothing about dating or women, I envisioned myself being able to seduce any woman and finally never having to face rejection by women ever again.

The truth however is that if you go out and make a conscious effort to satisfy lots of women, you are going to have a few rejections. Possibly more than what you care to have but you will get them. As you get better with your communication skills and your confidence rises, you might become extremely charismatic over time and get rejected less and less, However as good as you may get and as charismatic as you might become after learning from your mistakes, you will still get women who will shut you down quicker than you can say “wowsers I just got shut down”.